


Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff's Amuesmnet Parq

by EnglishAndDillinger



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (24601), (i dont think i actually put the stair quote in here), (in case you couldn't tell), (tell my nonexistent wife i love her), (the police are after me), (wait a minute), (welp i guess im a fugitive now), Crack Fic, F/F, Gravity Falls References, M/M, Mystery Ending, Stair Warnings, and peggy, if you get both of them you are my personal hero, shitstoves, so uh, thanks for reading every unnecessary additional tag on a sub-par fic, thats all for today folks, the 413 crack fic nobody asked for and i wrote anyways, youre welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 10:37:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18444836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnglishAndDillinger/pseuds/EnglishAndDillinger
Summary: In which John receives the best gift an immortal twenty-three-year-old could possibly ask for.





	Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff's Amuesmnet Parq

**Author's Note:**

> why hola there, -8 people who are currently in this fandom. i figured there would be some sad shit posted today (if anything at all amirite) so i decided to do what i do best and write a crack fic. ̶m̶a̶y̶b̶e̶ ̶c̶a̶u̶s̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶s̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶o̶n̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶i̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶h̶o̶w̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶w̶r̶i̶t̶e̶
> 
> anyways enjoy

Your name is John Egbert and you are tired out of your mind.

You just woke up to your pesterchum dinging at four in the morning, which is not the best way to greet the day. You answer it reluctantly, wondering why somebody could have ever thought this was necessary.

turntechGothead [TG] began pestering  ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: hey   
TG: john   
TG: i know youre there   
TG: whoops that sounded creepy   
TG: but its true  
TG: john  
TG: bro   
TG: buddy   
TG: old pal   
EB: what?   
TG: happy birthday   
EB: that's it?  
TG: far from it my man   
TG: far from it   
TG: so have you heard the news thats been going around the troll kingdom lately   
EB: uh, not really.   
EB: why would i know anything about the troll kingdom?  
TG: oh john   
TG: i was hoping that surely this holy message would have reached you by now   
TG: this is just disappointing   
EB: what sort of news is in the troll kingdom that i need to know about?   
TG: the best sort of news john   
TG: wonderful news   
TG: life-changing news   
TG: birth of jesus christ who   
TG: we just threw that little shit into a volcano   
TG: kerploosh   
TG: there goes christ the savior   
TG: he sure did live a small and insignificant life compared to this fucking masterpiece   
EB: just get to the point, dave.  
EB: it's four in the morning!   
TG: have patience, young one   
TG: are you ready to receive the greatest gift of your life   
EB: uh, yeah, i guess.   
TG: meet me and jade at crockercorp 8 am sharp   
TG: third floor   
EB: i have a bad feeling about this.   
TG: no john   
TG: no negativity of that sort shall be allowed in the glorious land that will be disclosed to you shortly   
EB: goodnight, dave.  
EB: see you in the morning. 

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

You sigh and go back to sleep, right after setting your alarm to 7:30. This better be worth it.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
What you thought was going to be a small meet-up at Crockercorp turned out to be a huge mob of people, only some of which you recognize. There seems to be a line forming rather close to the elevator you just exited. Fortunately, it thins out quickly, after most people are escorted elsewhere. The only ones left in the room, not counting Jade and Dave, are you, Rose, Dirk, Jane, Roxy, Jake, Karkat, the Mayor, and Kanaya.

Dave, who is wearing a suit for some strange reason, begins to pace around the room.

"So," he says, "I bet you all are wondering why I have gathered you here today."

Nobody speaks.

"That reason is, my good friends, because I have created something wonderful."

"So it has nothing to do with Jane or John's birthdays?" Roxy pipes from the back of the room.

"No. While it was on this day, twenty-three years ago, that two of my friends were given life, it is also today that I will give life to something far greater."

"And what could that possibly be?" Karkat yells, crossing his arms. "As far as I recall, you're not pregnant."

"You see, Karkles--"

"Don't call me Karkles!"

"You see, Karkles, this is something far greater than any child. Much greater. Just wait and see."

"Okay, now," Jade says, "everybody hold hands!"

Nobody really questions the command, linking hands in a matter of seconds.

Before you know it, you all disappear in a flash of green light, and reappear an instant later.

Wherever you are, you don't recognize it in the slightest. There are trolls everywhere, and a few humans, too, most of them looking like children, but a few seem to be adults, as well. They're all looking at you-- or Dave, to be more precise.

You turn around, and see a sign with flashing neon lights that read, 'Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff's Amuesmnet Parq'. There's a large ribbon between you and the entrance, decorated with various misspelled expletives in comic sans, and you notice that the Mayor is now holding the biggest scissors you've ever seen, with an assortment of Dave's characters painted on them.

After a few minutes, the crowd quiets down, and Dave walks up to a microphone in the center of the entrance to this place. He taps on it a few times, saying nothing. The masses cheer from just that, but a look from the mayor calms them down once more.

Finally, Dave leans into the microphone, and says:

"Were doing it man. Were making this happen."

The people cheer as Dave walks up to the Mayor, who hands him the scissors. He goes over to the ribbon and cuts it. Everybody, including you, of course, starts running to the entrance.

As you walk into the 'amuesmnet parq', you can't help but feel the slightest bit disappointed. Of course, with the SBaHJ comics being the very definition of stylistic suck, you can't imagine why you ever thought the theme park wouldn't be the same. There are several statues of the titular heroes scattered across the land, along with a few more cardboard cut-outs, apparently designed so that you could take pictures with them. The abundance of them creeps you out a little.

You decide to find a restaurant first, seeing as you skipped breakfast this morning, but you can't find a map anywhere. After what seems like hours of stumbling around cardboard Geromys and Big Mans, you bump into none other than the creator of this monstrosity himself.

"Why, hello, John," Dave says, turning around. "You enjoying heaven on Earth C, or what?"

"Yeah, I guess. I can't find anywhere to eat, though. And I haven't seen any rides, either. Just a bunch of your characters staring into my soul."

Dave shakes his head. "Oh, John. This is only a small section of the Amuesmnet Parq."

"But it feels like I've been walking for miles!"

He shrugs. "That's only part of the Parq experience, John. You're going to have to get used to it."

"So you're not going to give me directions, or a map, or anything?"

"I'm sorry, but you must find the way yourself."

"Can I ask why I must 'find the way myself'?"

Dave sighs. "If I just told you the answer to everything, that wouldn't make it fun. It wouldn't make it amuesgin. Then, there would be no amuesmnet. And there would be no Amuesmnet Parq."

You groan. "I guess you're right." You really don't think he's right, but you don't have time for Dave's weird bullshit right now. Besides, according to what he told you last night, he built this whole pile of trash for you, the least you can do is enjoy it.

"Look, John," he says, gesturing to a cutout of Barack Obana. "This is a lovely image of Obana, is it not?"

You nod.

"Well, if you look closely, you'll realize that it's the only Obana in the entire Parq with a shirt that has a slightly darker hue than the rest. He's one of a kind, John. And you can only find him here." Dave pats the cutout's head. Obana's eyes, even with no life in them whatsoever, tell you that he's not enjoying this.

"If I just told you where everything was, you wouldn't be able to find out about the little things in the Parq, like this."

"You just told me about it!"

Dave shakes his head. "You have much to learn, young Padawan. You have much to learn."

You sigh. "Whatever, I'm starving. I need to get some food." You walk away from the Parq's owner, escaping his bullshit-- temporarily.

After you tread in the same direction for what feels like forever, you find a lone nacho stand. "Finally!" You exclaim, running over.

Upon further inspection, you see that it is actually called a 'Nancho Stnad'. Why you thought it had a chance of being spelled normally is an enigma. You ask for a 'nancho', and the troll behind the counter obliges. He doesn't even ask you for money, but you don't care. All you do is bite into it and--

"Ew!" You spit the taco onto the ground, as if your wrapper doesn't exist. "What did you put in these things?"

The troll shrugs. "We soak all of them in a toilet for a minimum of one month, sir, to stick to the original source as close as possible. You can request additional flavors, of course, and some can extend the amount of time that the nanchos are left to perfect."

"Really?"

"Yes, really! Nanchos are a serious matter. I spent eight years at Nancho University learning how to perfect this magnificent art! Do I look like the type of troll who would joke about something so important to everyone at this fine establishment?"

You shake your head, leaving the stand-- or almost leaving, after somebody calls out, "John!"

You turn around and find Roxy, as well as Jane, waving at you. You run over to them, dodging the cardboard as well as you can.

"Hey, John!" Roxy says, grinning. "Excited to see us, or what?"

"Finally," you exclaim, "someone around here who's not a character from the SBaHJ franchise."

"I could say the same thing!" Jane says. "We've been trying to find somebody else all day!"

"And by all day, you mean the thirty or so minutes that we've been here?" You say.

"Yeah, pretty much. Roxy and I can't find our way out of this part of the Parq, even with the map!"

"Wait, you guys got a map?"

"Yeah," Roxy says, "there was someone handing them out towards the entrance. You didn't get one?"

You shake your head. "I guess I was in a rush. I can't remember the last time I've been to an amusement park-- er, parq-- so I got a bit carried away."

"That's fine, John," Jane says as she hands you the map, "Here, you can borrow this. I think we can manage by ourselves."

"Wait," you say, "you guys are leaving?"

"No! Dave would get really upset." Roxy shrugs.

"Not the Parq," you say, "I mean to say you guys are leaving me already! I have no idea where to go, what to do... I mean, I guess this map will help a bit, but you can't have that much fun by yourself. And with no fun, there's no amuesmnet. And then there'd be no Amuesmnet Parq." You sigh, knowing that you've now given into Dave's shitty slogan.

"I guess you're right." Jane looks to Roxy, who nods in agreement. "Let's try to find the others, and enjoy some of the attractions in the mean time!"

"That is, if we can find the attractions..." You mutter, clutching the map in your hands. It's certainly not the most confusing thing you've ever read, but it's up there. "This is going to be a long day."

Eventually, through a series of grueling and sordidly long events, you manage to find your way out of 'Land of Cardbaord adn Nanchos', and into 'Sweet Brollercaoster Fun Wolrd'. As the title suggests, this section of the Parq is filled with roller-coasters. The first one that catches your eye is the one that begins and ends inside a statue of Sweet Bro's Mom. You look to the map to find it, and see that it is titled 'Teh Wodneruos Voygae of Hella Jeff's Dick'. You start to wonder why Dave would put these sorts of things in a Parq meant for children, and then remember that it's Dave (why wouldn't he?) and carry on.

After a debate among your group of three, you decide that the first one you ride together will be 'Geromy's Epiq Juorney throuhg Life', the least NSFW-looking out of all of the rides. Through epic detail and scenery, it weaves the tale of Geromy's tragic past, in which all five of his mothers are killed by an unfortunate time-travelling incident involving Barack Obana and some malicious stairs. Your eyes are teary by the end.

After that ride, you try to convince Roxy and Jane to go on Teh Wodneruos Voygae, but they refuse, saying that they value their dignity. You, however, do not in the slightest, so you bid your farewells to them, hoping you'll bump into each other once more, and get on the ride.

Surprisingly, there are more children on this ride than on Geromy's, which makes you wonder about how lax parenting is on Earth C. The cars are all shaped like the titular object, and you're staring to regret your decision-- that is, before Karkat and Dave come along and sit in both of the seats next to you.

"So," Dave says, stroking the model of Hella Jeff's dick, "it looks like you've found your way out of the Land of Cardbaord adn Nanchos."

"That I have!" You explain triumphantly, as if it's some miraculous thing that a twenty-three-year-old can navigate an Amuesmnet Parq successfully.

"Why am I on this thing again?" Karkat grumbles from the far left.

"Because you love me." Dave says.

"Sure, sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night."

Before the quarreling couple can bicker any more, the rollercoaster starts moving, and it's a lot faster than you expected, to say the least. This ride also brings tears to your eyes, but in a different way. It's only now that you notice that the ride doesn't do anything other than go through Sweet Bro's Mom repeatedly. Fortunately, it's much shorter than Geromy's ride, lasting only two minutes or so. When you get off, you're glad it's over.

You decide that you're done rollercoastering for the time being, and when Karkat and Dave mention going to play some video games at the arcade, you tag along.

The arcade, which is surprisingly spelled correctly on the map, only has five machines, three of which display a paper on the screen saying, 'this gaem is'nt working TODAY so come back AGIAN soon,' written in comic sans, because what other font would they be in. After reading them, you look at Dave, who just shrugs.

The three of you go over to one of the two remaining games, apparently called 'The Big Man's BAKSETBAL Cuort'. The three of you play rock paper scissors to decide which two people can compete against one another first. You end up losing, leaving Karkat and Dave as the competitors.

There is no way this can end well.

Dave and Karkat grab their controllers, Karkat doing so first, making him player one. The game selects his character randomly. Karkat gets Sweet Bro's Mom.

"Dave! I know you had some doing in this!" He complains. Dave says nothing, and picks up his controller. Before the game can select his character, he mashes a bunch of buttons, doing so without breaking a sweat. The Big Man pops up on the screen shortly after.

"Aww, yiss, I got the titular character! This is the Big Man's game now."

"Dave, that was definitely a cheat code! You probably made these games, and designed them so that you could give me Sweet Bro's Mom!"

"I most certainly did not make these games, Karkles. I--"

"I already told you once today not to call me Karkles!"

"I didn't make the games, Karkles. I just beta tested them. And made suggestions. And helped the developers make the game even better."

"Yeah, better for you!"

"Guys!" You say, pointing to the screen. "The game's been going on for a minute now. You only have thirty seconds left."

Both players start hitting random buttons, and in a surprising turn of events, Sweet Bro's Mom wins.

"Haha! Yes! In your fucking face, Dave!" Karkat exclaims, throwing his hands into the air.

"Don't use that sort of profanity here, not in this Parq. Think of the children." Dave gestures to a human child nearby, quite absorbed in the game they're playing.

"Yeah, the children who are riding Sweet Bro's bone bulge. Remind me to protect their innocence."

After that debacle, Dave says he'll go against you in the game. You oblige, making sure not to pick up your controller first, wondering if it'll affect his cheat code.

It doesn't, and Dave gets the Big Man again. He says nothing, simply lifting his mouth slightly upwards. You pick up yours, pray for the best, and get...

"Hella Jeff! Nice!" You exclaim. You remember reading in the comics that he was a pretty huge fan of 'Hass the Rock', so you're sure it's going to be a heart-wrenching battle for this young hero. As you celebrate not getting Sweet Bro's Mom, punching your hands into the air, you notice that Dave seems to be squinting-- of course, you can't tell, because of those ever-present shades. Stupid birthday presents, never letting you see your friend's facial expressions!

As soon as the game starts, Dave gets the ball. You run towards it, but touching the basket teleported you inside of it, making it impossible for the Big Man to shoot the ball.

The rest of the game passes with Dave attempting to find ways to score, none of them ever working. Although you didn't technically win, the computer calling it a draw, it honestly feels like you have, somehow beating Dave at his own game.

"What was that glitch for, anyways?" You ask as the three of you walk out of the arcade. "Did you put that in on purpose, or was it not supposed to be there?"

"I put it in there, of course. Haven't you read the game's lovely source material? Episode six?"

"Jeez, I liked it, but I can't remember every little thing from every single episode!"

"It's not just any old episode, John. It's a classic. All of them are classics."

You sigh for the umpteenth time in the past hour. "Did you have anything else planned for the day?"

"As a matter of fact, I did. But we should do that around dinner."

"Around dinner? But we haven't even had lunch yet! I haven't had breakfast! All I've eaten today is a small bit of toilet-taco."

"I'll have you know that they are not 'toilet-tacos', John. They are nanchos-- the best ones around."

"Whatever. What are we going to do until then?"

Dave shakes his head. "Oh, John, haven't you seen by now? There's so much to do in the Parq, I almost feel bad for arranging this thing in the evening. There's so much to do, you could get lost in here!"

"I already have! Roxy and Jane saved me, fortunately, but they refused to ride Teh Wodneruos Voygae with me, so here we are."

Dave gasps. "How could they not want to experience the absolute serendipity and euphoria that is Teh Wodneruos Voygae? Why, I think I've ridden it at least ten times in the past week."

"But the park's only been open one day, shitstove!" Karkat interjects.

"Woah. Did you just call me a shitstove?"

"That's besides the point! You've only been here for one ho--"

"Shit. Stove? Dude, you're really lacking in the insult department lately."

"That was one time!"

"So you admit defeat."

"No, that's not what I said!"

"Sure." Dave pats Karkat's head, and-- surprisingly-- he doesn't do anything, other than blush his signature candy red. "John's right, I'm hungry. Let's grab lunch."

"Where are we going?" You ask, regretting it the moment you do. You've only seen one food product here, and that's all you should need to know about that situation.

"You'll see. You'll be able to see this glo--"

"Will we?"

The three of you turn around to see none other than Terezi Pyrope. It still shocks you when you spot her out and about these days, having finally returned from the void after finding the one and only Spider8itch, who doesn't seem to be with her right now. You're not sure whether this relieves you or not, and you're not sure you want to know.

"Hello, Pyrope," Dave says. You're pretty sure this is the first time he's ever called someone by their surname. "I don't recall inviting you, but the more, the merrier. Enjoying the Parq?"

"Yes. But I think I should be getting some, if not all, of the profit from this endeavor."

"Like we've already discussed, you may have invented the pork mouth, but I perfected it. It's like--"

"I've already heard your shitty human painting metaphor."

"Isn't that a simile?" You ask. Your seventh-grade education hasn't been needed since the note desolation played, so you can't be sure.

"Whatever it is," Dave says, looking at a SBaHJ watch on his wrist you haven't noticed until now, "we need to get going. It's already two o'clock, and my evening surprise starts at five. We'll only have three more hours to explore the Amuesmnet Parq before the real fun begins."

You're not sure what he means by 'real fun' and you're somewhat nervous to find out.

By now, a look at your map tells you that the four of you are now in the 'Ladn of Food nad Ohter Stfuf'. "Your names are so creative, Dave!" Terezi says once you point this out. He says nothing and walks onward.

Finally, you arrive at your destination-- Sweet Bro's Hot God Retsuauruaunt. Hot dogs-- er, hot gods-- don't sound that bad to you, but you're sure there's something in them that'll be twenty times worse than the nanchos.

As soon as you walk in, you can tell that the place is popular. It seems every table is full, which is quite the accomplishment, as Dave mentioned on the walk that there were precisely sixty-nine. You hope he never changes.

"Hello, everyone! Oh! Uh, hello, Mr. Strider. Welcome to Sweet Bro's Hot God Retsuauruaunt," a staff member says to you. "I presume you'd like a table for four?"

Dave nods. The waitress beams and leads you to your table. You're smiling, thinking that this place can't be all that bad, judging by the kind staff, when you see where she places you.

Every table adjacent to yours is filled with children. Young humans, trolls, and even Carapacians are eating peanut shells off of the floors, yelling their favorite SBaHJ quotes, and everything in between. The moment you see them, you're sure they're going to want to talk to all of you-- after all, they most likely know all of you from the news, and the fact that you rule over Earth C. But what they do next disappoints you-- without necessarily shocking you.

"DAVE STRIDER! IS THAT YOU?" An exuberant human child yells. They run over with a kids' meal crayon and a napkin. "SIGN THIS! SIGN THIS!"

Dave nods, and gives the child his signature. His face lights up like a Christmas tree, and you're hoping that he'll scurry back to his table, but of course, he does the opposite.

"SO, DAVE! WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER?"

"That's easy," he responds, "obviously all of them."

"YEAH, BUT IF YOU HAD TO CHOOSE, LIKE REALLY HAD TO CHOOSE, WHICH ONE WOULD IT BE?"

"I wouldn't be able to."

"OKAY, WELL WHAT IF ALL OF THEM WERE IN A HUGE LAVA PIT AND THEY WERE GOING TO DIE, RIGHT? AND YOU COULD ONLY SAVE ONE? WHO WOULD IT BE?"

Dave thinks for a while, and then replies, "Barack Obana."

"BUT DIDN'T BARACK OBANA RUIN THE ECONOMY?"

"No. He was only one person in a long line of people unable to deal with such a crisis. And as the president, he's the only person who could fix it."

"BUT WHAT ABOUT SWEET BRO? AND HELLA JEFF? AND GEROMY? AND THE BIG MAN?"

You're 80% sure Dave's eyes are widened. "You're right. I guess I'd have to save the Big Man."

"WOW, MR. STRIDER! YOU'RE THE BEST!"

Dave simply nods. "I really am. Now, you should get back with your family. A great mind cannot work without its food."

He runs back to his table, but eight more children run to your table in his place.

"MR. STRIDER! WHAT'S SWEET BRO'S MOM'S FAVORITE COLOR?"

"HEY, DAVE! MY FRIEND SAID HE MET THE BIG MAN! IS HE TELLING THE TRUTH?"

"DAVE! DAVE! MY BROTHER AND I MADE A BET ON IF HELLA JEFF'S DICK WAS BIGGER THAN SWEET BRO'S! WHICH IT TOTALLY IS! WE NEED TO KNOW THE ANSWER!"

"Okay, everyone, get away!" Karkat says, his voice sounding almost like a normal person's, given the background volume.

"Yes. Get back to your tables." Dave's shades gleam. You're not sure how he does it, but he just can. It's a gift, a gift, and a force to be reckoned with. "And they are equal in length."

Everyone walks back to their families. Finally, your waiter walks up to your table. You order your hot gods, eat them, and marvel in the fact that the rest of the visit to the 'Retsuauruaunt' goes by relatively fast.

Until the end.

The four of you have to run out of there in order to escape the mobs of people asking for autographs and answers. You and Dave could always fly, of course, but that would leave Karkat and Terezi behind, something they'd be less than pleased about.

You take a deep breath or two, having finally escaped the Retsuauruaunt. Dave looks at his watch. "It's 3:30. Only an hour and a half left. I'd be better off leaving the rest of you to your own devices while I prepare for what is soon to come."

"Well, I'm coming with you," Karkat announces. "I can't imagine being left with nobody to help me navigate this park other than these two..." He shuddered.

"Aw, he loves me."

Karkat crosses his arms and squints, but doesn't protest to the claim. The couple walks off, leaving you and Terezi.

"So..." You put your hands behind your back.

"Yes?"

"Nice... Weather. That we're having." You do the windy thing and push away the few clouds in the sky, which brightens your area a bit.

"Very clever, Egbert. I can feel the sun."

"I guess you could say that I shone some... light on the subject!" You perform the necessary finger guns, expecting nothing to be said-- but something is.

"Did somebody say Light?" You turn around to find the Seer-- and the Thief-- of that particular aspect, as well as Kanaya.

"Vriska, I think that's the shittiest way you've ever introduced yourself," Terezi says.

"I wasn't introducing myself. I was also introducing Rose and Kanaya. Therefore, it shouldn't count."

"But you yourself were included in that group!"

"Guys, guys!" You exclaim. "Can't we just agree that was a terrible introduction and move on?"

"No, because it was an amazing one!" Vriska clenches her fists.

"Actually," Rose says, "speaking for our team, I can say it truly isn't the best."

"Traitor!" Vriska yells.

"Hey, I'm just telling the truth."

"Vriska," Terezi says, "you were supposed to be arguing with me!"

"I can multitask!"

You look at Kanaya, expecting her to say something, but she's just facepalming. You decide to join her, waiting for the argument to burn out.

It doesn't.

By the time they agreed upon a solution (one that had nothing to do with why the argument was started in the first place), it was thirty minutes later. Jake and Dirk had stopped by with popcorn. To your relief, the Light Squad and Kanaya decided to go their separate ways with you once it was over, preventing any future arguments-- something you didn't know happened often. You were never sure, and still aren't, to be exact, what quadrant-- if any quadrant, at all-- Team Scourge was in. You just don't ask, simple as that. It's the same with Dave and Karkat, although you know them better, so you get to witness their relationship's dynamics more often. Troll romance sure is confusing.

Looking at Dirk's watch, which happens to be identical to Dave's, you see that there's only an hour left until whatever Dave has planned. You realize that he never told you where exactly it was, but you're sure he'll find a way to gather the gang.

"I think I'm all social-ed out for the day," you announce. "I'm going to go wander around until it's time for Dave's... thing. " You bid your temporary farewells and set off.

Using your map, you can tell that you've been everywhere, except for two areas-- the 'Land of Lov adn Porndogs', and 'Teh Big Anouncre Plaec', the latter of which is in the center. You decide to check that out, assuming that's where Dave's big event is held. Your assumption is correct, you figure out once you reach the area, seeing as there's a crowd that's almost as large as the one you saw when you first began your Parq journey. There's a poster of Hella Jeff saying, "if you THINK yo'ure one THIS list come up here and CHECK. the event is STARTING soon so hurry. he. he. he." You sigh and make your way up to the stage, seeing that Vriska and Terezi are already up there, talking to each other.

You check the piece of paper next to Hella Jeff and, not to anyone's surprise, you are on Mr. Strider's list. You sit down on one of the twelve chairs that are there. Doing the math, you realize that Dave only invited ten people, excluding himself. Had he known in advance that Vriska and Terezi were coming, or was it just his instincts? There's not really much you can do to answer the question, now, so you sit quietly and pray that something exciting will happen.

Of course, considering that it's still forty minutes until the event is supposed to start, nobody shows up for a while. Terezi and Vriska are being pretty secretive right now, though, so you'll have to find some other form of entertainment.

You try looking straight up at the sky to relieve your boredom, only to realize that the sun is a thing that exists. You quickly look down and think to yourself until the next participants show up-- those being Kanaya and Rose, who kindly sit next to you.

"Do either of you know what Dave is doing?" You ask.

"No." Kanaya says. "Believe me, I tried to get Rose to ask Dave."

"I know there's absolutely no way he would tell me," Rose says. "When it comes to the endeavors of the Parq, family means nil to him. He never even told me about this until 6:12 in the morning. He's a good brother otherwise, don't get me wrong, but he has his priorities."

You nod your head. "I can't believe he managed to keep the Parq a secret from all of us until today, though," you say. "He seemed really excited when he told me about it, though."

"Of course," Rose says. "Didn't he say this was a birthday present for you?"

"Yeah, I think..."

"He cares a lot more than he shows, John."

"I never said he didn't care enough!"

Rose sighs. "I thought we were trying to have a moment."

"Okay. You can have your 'moment'."

"Thank you."

The three of you remain silent, until Roxy, Jane, and Jade come onstage. It is now you realize that this is the first time you've seen Jade since the gang split up, and that she was the only person besides the Mayor who you failed to spot. The three of them sit next to you, leaving a single chair between your group, and Roxy and Jane. This chair is filled up by none other than the Wayward Vagabond himself, who is immediately followed by Karkat, who sits on the far right end of the stage. The only people missing are Jake and Dirk, who arrive at 5:10. You're not sure how they got the memo. Did Dave pester them, or did he everyone to their own devices? You'll have to ask the pumpkin duo later, because Dave is already walking onstage.

"How are y'all enjoying the Amuesmnet Parq?" He asks, readjusting the microphone as he does such. You're wondering why he's so late, but decide not to worry about it for now. You're sure it's because he was planning something cool. Please, let it be that.

"I'm hearing some positive reviews. That's good. Now, how well do you you all think you know the Parq?"

The crowd cheers some more.

"I'll assume that means 'pretty good'. Now, y'all may be wondering why we have some rather important figures on this here stage. The reason for that is, we're going to pit them against each other in a competition that will end with only one victor-- a victor who will not only have huge bragging rights, but will also get to design their very own attraction for the Parq."

The crowd goes wild!

"I'm assuming you know all of our contestants, so there's no need to introduce them. So, let's begin our first challenge!"

Dave pulls out an index card from his suit pocket. "Contestants will first be sorted into two teams of six, done by none other than yours truly. Then, they choose a representative to play Rock-Paper-Scissors with the other team's representative, to see who gets to decide which challenge they will pick.

"One challenge will be to ride Geromy's Epiq Juorney throuhg Life and take a short quiz about it as a group. The other will be to brave Teh Wodneruos Voygae of Hella Jeff's Dick's never-before-seen 'Ultemaet Moed' without puking. Every question missed on Geromy's exam is equivalent to one person on the team losing against Teh Wodneruos Voygae. At the end, the winning team will move on, but the losing team will get to join the rest of the crowd. So, are you ready?"

The audience screams, and you think you're going to have to sue Dave for hearing loss.

"Good. The teams will be as follows:

"On Team Sweet Bro, we have John, Jake, Karkat, Kanaya, the Mayor, and Roxy."

"On Team Hella Jeff, we have Vriska, Terezi, Jane, Jade, Dirk, and Rose. Now, if you could rearrange yourselves according to your groups."

Everybody does as he instructs.

"Okay, you have one minute to choose your representative. Oh, and one more rule-- no using your powers."

This results in a lot of grumbling, mostly from the people onstage. You're included in this group, of course, even though you know that this is the only way to level the playing field for Terezi and Karkat, who never reached their God Tiers. Nonetheless, your group starts to discuss.

You're rather glad that you didn't end up on Vriska's team, especially seeing the fit that she's causing on the other side of the stage. You end up settling on the Mayor, which, in your opinion, is a sound decision.

"Now," Dave says, "let the two representatives walk forward."

Unsurprisingly, Team Hella Jeff chose Vriska. You're pretty sure it wasn't done with most of the group's consent, but you have faith in the Wayward Vagabond.

Dave turns around to see the two competitors. "Rock... paper... scissors!" He shouts, and with that, the Mayor plays paper. It's only now that you realize he might not have known how to play the game in the first place. Vriska, unfortunately, puts down scissors, which means her team gets to choose.

"Yes! In your faaaaaaaace, Team Sweet Bro!" Vriska pumps her fists up in the air.

"Now, which challenge will your team compete in: Geromy's, or Hella Jeff's?"

Vriska pauses for about a millisecond before announcing, "Hella Jeff's!"

The rest of her team groans. Vriska simply smiles, and strides back to her group.

"That means that Team Sweet Bro will be completing Geromy's task! Okay, everyone: you have forty-five minutes to do what you need to do. And don't think about lying if someone lost or not to the Wodnerous Vovgae, Vriska-- we have cameras everywhere. Your time starts... Now!"

With that word, everyone ran off of the stage. You tried to keep with your group, although it was hard, seeing as they were more athletic than you were. Even the Mayor could hold a steady pace. After around fifteen minutes of jogging, followed by some intense crawling, you make it to Geromy's ride. The six of you get on in an instant, dodging the paparazzi that have already fled to the scene.

Although this is your second time watching it, you're finding out a lot of things you didn't realize previously. That foreshadowing with the spoon of applesauce? Incredible. It's over before you know it, though, so the bliss is fleeting.

The moment everybody finishes, a human in a SBaHJAP uniform hands you a piece of paper and a pencil. It looks just like the quizzes you took in school, and turned out to be even more useless than you had thought they would be. But this isn't the time to be dwelling on the past, zoosmell! You gotta get your head in the game!

"Okay, here's the first question," you say. "How many moms did Geromy have?"

"Oh! I know!" Roxy shouts. "Like... ten."

"I thought there were four, but I could be wrong." You say.

"Why don't we just average them?" Kanaya asks. "The mean of those two answers is seven, so if those are the only ones that you all can come up with, that may be a good idea of what to answer. Any other ideas?"

Nobody else says a word.

"Seven it is!" You write your answer beneath the question-- even though you're sure it couldn't have been more than six.

The rest of the quiz is relatively easy, especially seeing as you've ridden this particular ride twice. Your team might have missed a question or two, but based on the noises you can here from Hella Jeff's, they're not having a fun time.

You turn the quiz in to the human worker and rush back to Teh Big Anouncre Plaec. You swear there's someone following you, though-- although it's only a feeling, these sorts of things often turn out to be true. You look behind your shoulder, and, for an instant, you see a flash of red among the trees. You push this aside for now, and focus on getting to the stage.

You're there long before Team Hella Jeff is, and when they arrive, they are especially nauseous, which you expected them to be-- just not to the degree they currently are.

"Alright!" Dave announces. "It looks like both of our teams have returned from their journeys. Can we get a big round of applause, y'all?"

The audience claps. Well, duh, what else are they supposed to do, just sit there?

"Now, let's start with Team Sweet Bro. The test results are in, and it seems like you have earned..."

Team Sweet Bro holds their breath.

"Three points."

Your team holds their heads down. You guess that you only had a 50/50 shot of moving on to the next round of Dave's competition, anyways, so it's not something to stress about. Besides, it's not like you could have won anything good-- other than the bragging rights. Oh, the bragging rights would have been amazing. You look at Team Hella Jeff, and see something in their eyes you didn't expect to:

Terror.

"And, it seems that when faced with Teh Wodnerous Voygae, only one member of Team Hella Jeff was successful."

Team Hella Jeff holds their heads down, while Team Sweet Bro rejoices. You'll get to move on!

"Congratulations to Team Sweet Bro! The six of you will now be split into teams of three."

Team Sweet Bro, or its former members nod, while Team Hella Jeff departs the stage. Vriska seems angry in particular, but that's something you'd expect out of the drama queen.

"The first team will be Team Rusty, with Roxy, Karkat, and John. Our second team will be Team Beige, with Jake, the Mayor, and Kanaya. Please group yourselves accordingly."

The teams do as Dave instructs.

"Now, this time, things are going to be a bit different. Both teams will head to the Arcade, and play The Big Man's BAKSETBAL Cuort. Each person will play a round against the Big Man CPU, as a true test of power. Whoever gets the highest score on their team will take a picture of it for proof, and then report here to find out which team got the highest one. Sounds simple, right?"

Everyone nods.

"Now, if there's a tie, we'll just have the two people with the highest scores go face-to-face. Everyone understand?"

Silence.

"Good. You have to be back in thirty minutes. Again-- no powers. Your time starts... now."

Once again, the teams run to the Arcade. It's a bit easier this time, seeing as the Arcade is closer by, and there are less team members to catch up with. However, Karkat, like you, isn't the best runner, and Roxy succumbs to walking eventually. You're walking at a pace slower than that of a snail's, when you notice something out of the corner of your eye.

It's... Sweet Bro?

You look at him for a second, making sure to still walk with Karkat and Roxy. He doesn't move. You've been here multiple times before, and you don't remember seeing him, though. Maybe they're already beginning construction. Whatever it is, you decide it's worth pointing out.

"Hey, guys!" You say, turning around. "Look at Sweet Bro!"

You point to where he used to be, but now there's nothing there. It was either a living Sweet Bro, who ran away just for the fun of it, or you're just seeing things.

"Very funny, asslamp." Karkat remarks.

"Asslamp?" You say. "First 'shitstove', now this? What happened to you, man?"

"I don't know, okay? I've been going through a lot!"

"Okay. Geez."

"To be fair," Roxy interrupts, "you did ask him."

"True, true."

By now, you're at the Arcade. You're sure that Team Beige is already here, but that doesn't matter. After all, Dave himself was late to his own gathering, so he probably wouldn't mind if you all were, too.

You walk through the doors to find that Team Beige is, indeed, already here, Kanaya taking her shot at The Big Man's BAKSETBAL Cuort. Figuratively, of course, seeing as she hasn't took any in the actual game.

"I told you, Kanaya, you're not supposed to shoot into your own basket!" Jake says.

You chuckle. Team Rusty has this in the bag.

You, Karkat, and Roxy walk over to the last remaining console. Thankfully, nobody is here at the moment, so you turn it on and hand the remote to Roxy.

"Now, let's see..." She says, selecting the Big Man's CPU mode. I think I can get a good high score for this game."

"How?" You ask.

"You'll see." Roxy smirks, and presses the start button.

When the game is supposed to be selecting her character randomly, she inputs an algorithm-- the same one as Dave's-- and gets the Big Man.

"Wow. What incredible luck I have today."

You and Karkat look at each other dumbfounded.

Roxy proceeds to annihilate the Big Man at his own game, and beats the game with 88 points.

"Vriska is going to be pissed!" You say once Roxy inputs her name into the high score on the machine.

"Guys! Guys! I got FOUR points! Take a picture!" Jake shouts from the other side of the room.

Your eyes widen, and before you can forget, you take a picture of Roxy's name on the machine, the score displayed next to her name.

The games you and Karkat play against the Big Man go a lot less smoothly than the one with Roxy did, but you still manage to beat the other team's high score-- at least, the one that they've announced. So unless the Mayor has really good basketball skills, Team Rusty is going to win in a landslide.

"Life sure is good, isn't it?" You say to your teammates on the way back to Teh Big Anouncre Plaec.

"Yes, but what is life, when compared to the immortality of a high score?" Roxy replies.

Before you know it, you're back at the podium. Once you sit on your spot at the stage, you notice something from the very back of the crowd.

Sweet Bro? Again?

You try not to look at him directly, to see how long he'll stand there. He has to run away eventually, right? Wait, what if it's just someone moving a statue of Sweet Bro around the place? You guess you'll never know. But looking at it closely, or as closely as you can while still doing such indirectly, it seems to be more of a costume. That's strange. You always thought the cardboard cutouts would suffice for picture-taking.

Then, when you least expect it, Sweet Bro decides to... dab? When he does this, you look directly at him, wondering how anyone could dare commit such a monstrosity. He flees yet again. You're mad at yourself for allowing himself to do that, but then again, what could you have done?

Once Team Beige arrives, Dave walks up onto the stage.

"So," he says, "who's excited to hear the results of the Big Man's games?"

The audience cheers.

"Well, they're in! Team Beige, what was your highest score?"

"We got four!" Jake says proudly. He even holds up the picture on his phone of this event taking place. You feel just a little bit bad about the score you all got.

"Okay." Dave nods. "What about Team Rusty?"

"Eight-eight!" Roxy exclaims, holding up her own phone. You swear you can hear Vriska screaming somewhere, although you can't see her.

"Very well then," Dave says, "It seems as if we've found our winners for this challenge! Team Rusty, remain on the stage. Team Beige, you may join the audience."

Jake grumbles a bit, but other than that, you don't think Team Beige was too disappointed at their loss. The only ones remaining are you, Roxy, and Karkat, both of who should be quite the competition-- not that you care that much about winning, of course.

"Now," Dave announces, straightening his bow-tie, "it's time for our final challenge!"

The crowd applauds.

"For this challenge, we will no longer be doing things in teams. It's every man for himself. Feel free to separate."

You do as he instructs. It's best not to get any more attached than you currently are, you decide.

"Our final challenge will be to see who can snap the most pictures with cardboard cutouts of Sweet Bro, Hella Jeff, and the rest of their friends. The rarer a cutout, or a variant of a cutout, is, the more points it will give you. Pretty basic, right?"

The three of you nod.

"You have thirty minutes to complete this challenge. Your time starts... now!"

You immediately run off of the stage, reaching into your pocket for your map. You already know exactly where you're headed.

On the way there, you make sure to get a picture with a cutout every now and then, so that if one of the other competitors sees you, they won't think you're rushing to anything too important. After about fifteen minutes of running, you recognize a bush-- you must have seen it a few moments after you ran into the object that you're looking for!

You run your way to where you think it was. And there it is, the thing that will guarantee you victory in this stupid game, the thing that seemed so silly at its introduction, yet now is essential to your well-being!

And it's guarded by none other than Sweet Bro.

"What? You again? What is it that you want from me?" You throw your hands up into the air in frustration. You never saw Sweet Bro as malevolent, and you really don't want to, but it might have to come to that.

Sweet Bro simply shrugs. You know you can't see behind Sweet Bro's costume, but you're sure that whoever behind that thing is smirking.

"Listen, I really need to take a picture with Barack Obana. That's all I ask for in life from you, Sweet Bro. No money, no harassment, no nothing. Just. Barack. Obana!"

Sweet Bro shakes his head.

"You know, I wonder if I can blow off this costume with the WIND!" You move your arms into what could be considered a windy-thing pose and put on your most menacing glare.

The costumed maniac runs away yet again. Classic Sweet Bro! You laugh to yourself as you pull out your cellphone

You put your arms around Obana and take a selfie. You remember Dave saying that there were only one of these in the entire park, so you're bound to get huge points for this. You wonder if he made this challenge because he told you that little tidbit earlier today, or if he told you that because of the challenge. Knowing Dave, it was most likely an unintentional, ironic coincidence.

On your way back to Teh Big Anouncre Plaec, you take a few pictures with other cutouts, but you're sure that Obana will help you win. Plus, you can tell Dave about the Sweet Bro dilemma, now that he's actually confronted you directly. You run up to the stage and proudly take your seat, the audience noting your early arrival.

You're absolutely certain that it's going to be smooth sailing from here on in, until you notice something on the left side of the audience. It's none other than Sweet Bro! How dare he show up at the ceremony that will soon be celebrating your victory, the very thing he seeked to destroy! You decide that it's personal now, and exit your place onstage.

Running through the crowds would be one thing if you were just a random old nobody, but as the literal god of these people, it's proven itself to be much more difficult. Despite this, you make your way to where Sweet Bro is. You're sure that he would be running away, it if weren't for the massive crowd of people surrounding him.

"Hey!" You say, once you reach him. "Why are you here again?"

Sweet Bro shrugs again, but this time, it's a shrug of... fear?

"You're coming with me," you say. Dave won't believe this unless he sees this. You take hold of Sweet Bro's arms and drag him to the stage with you. The people have started to make a path so you can get through, which is an affectionate gesture, sure, but it would've been appreciated earlier, as well.

Once you're onstage, you notice that Roxy and Karkat have both made their ways up along with you and Sweet Bro. The look on their faces tells you that they're confused, and honestly, you are too, but you make Sweet Bro sit with you nonetheless.

When Dave walks onto the stage from behind the curtains for one final time, he looks a lot less puzzled than the rest of you when seeing Sweet Bro. "Who is our new companion, John?" He asks.

You sigh. "Sweet Bro, here, tried to prevent me from taking one particular cardboard picture. Along with that, he's been stalking me ever since I started with the challenges!"

Dave nods. "Very interesting. Sweet Bro, do you have anything to say on this matter?"

"Why are you asking him what he thinks? He's the one who's been tormenting me!"

"Relax, John. Justice shall be served."

You're half expecting to hear Terezi complain about infringed usage of her copyrighted catchphrase, but there is no noise from the crowd. They're all too mesmerized at the court case playing out before them.

"Anyways, Sweet Bro? Any questions, comments, or concerns?"

Sweet Bro shakes his head.

"Okay, then. Well, it's time to figure out who this monster really is."

You snort at Dave's reference to your childhood as he walks to Sweet Bro, who, to your surprise, stays put in his chair. Dave pulls off the mask to reveal--

"Vriska." You say, facepalming as you do such. "I'm disappointed, but not surprised."

"It wasn't me, I swear!" She exclaims. "I've been framed! Look at the footage!"

"I'm sorry, Ms. Serket," Dave says, "but we have all the footage we need.

"You see, when Vriska got out in the first round of competition, she was fuming. And Roxy getting a high score of eighty-eight-- that was the breaking point for the Spider8itch. Sorry, Vriska, but it's... Not off to jail for you. You didn't actually commit a crime. Congratulations, for not getting away with something that has literally no repercussions. And congratulations to John, for winning our contest!"

The audience applauds like never before. Dave hands you a trophy from behind the curtain, along with an official SBaHJ certificate.

"Wait," you say after you've gained all of your prizes, "what about the attraction I get to design?"

"We'll work out the details later. Happy birthday, John." Dave smiles as he says this, the widest one you've seen all day. And if that doesn't show you how much he cares, you don't know what would.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's almost twelve o'clock, and almost everyone else has left the Parq.

Except for you, of course.

Dave built an entire Parq just for you, just to celebrate the twenty-third anniversary of your birth-- and, you realize, the tenth anniversary of the game. Holy shit, it's been that long? It's usually something you prefer not to discuss further with people once the subject comes up, but there's nobody around but you-- at least, that's what you think.

Moments after you sit on a bench and close your eyes, relaxing for a bit, you open them to find that you have a guest.

It's none other than Sweet Bro.

"Hey, Vriska," you say, ignoring the extreme amount of awkwardness this situation is producing. "So, why are you still wearing that, er, costume?"

Vriska looks at you and shrugs.

"Oh, I get it. Because if you weren't in that costume, you'd be less funny. Then, you'd be less amuesgin. Then, there would be no amuesmnet. And there would be no Amuesmnet Parq."

Vriska nods.

"So. How's your day going?"

Vriska shrugs yet again.

"Very funny, very fu--"

Your phone rings. Pesterchum.

"Hold on, let me take this."

It's a message from Vriska to you and everybody else who enjoyed the Parq with you, about why she's innocent. It's from the present version of her, too. You look immediately to Sweet Bro.

"So if you're not Vriska... Then who are you?"

Sweet Bro shrugs, gets up, and walks into the shade of the night.

Some mysteries may be better left unsolved.

**Author's Note:**

> well, there it is. the mystery ending i mentioned in the extensive list of unnecessary additional tags. the first person to guess who sweet bro #2 is gets a virtual high-five from vriska herself. 
> 
> just remember to tell your friends about sweet bro and hella jeff: the moive, coming out in theaters on june twelfth. and no, that wasnt paid advertising. on a side note, you can also buy merchandise for the aforementioned film at sweetbroandhellajeffthemoive.net. only cause some shitstove stole dot com.
> 
> anyways, thank you all so much for reading this. seriously, you have no idea how happy i get when i see somebody else on the internet who's in this stupid dead fandom. have a happy 4/13!


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